repost for bookkeepping

thanks for the torture, Pat.
id happily oblige in embarassing you, if i ever find out about the last blog fiasco. teehee.

the rules pat didnt quite follow are:

Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them. Copy-paste the traits for all the 12 months listed below. Pick your month of birth. Highlight the traits that apply to you. Tag people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving a comment for them. Let the person who tagged you know when youve done it.

Suave and compromising. first of all, how did these two end up together? where's the cohesion? but then again, suave means several things, and i am indeed agreeable and polite. next.

Careful, cautious and organized. pshh. i throw caution to the wind, and im the first to smash the ball in a pingpong rally. i make stupid mistakes on math exams even if i know the right answers.. ponder that. but sure, my bedroom is always tidy. and i do follow a schedule, ie whenever i manage to conjure one.

Likes to point out people’s mistakes. my friends' mistakes, when im trippy. i care less about others.

Likes to criticize. same as above.

Stubborn. very. it's the by-product of being competitive.

Quiet but able to talk well. whoever made this shite? lies! well, at least on the first part. and i do fumble at times.

Calm and cool. i dont know anyone who has ADD symptoms who is ever calm.

Kind and sympathetic. id like to believe im kind, and very empathetic, at least to those who matters to me.

Concerned and detailed. too detailed. i need to get every base covered, dude.

Loyal but not always honest. yes, perennially. but let me just say that whoever invented the concept of white lies is a genius. genius!

Does work well. Very confident. tell me something i dont know.

Sensitive. depends which what came from and what was said. good thing is i usually dont hold grudges. i get even. i dont forgive, but i do forget.

Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. im very observant. people seem surprised how much i remember from certain events. anyone who says he is clever is not. lastly, i only know what i can learn and retain. consistency is a more appropriate characteristic.

Loves to look for information. knowledge is power.

Must control oneself when criticizing. no. i am not blunt, but im not shy either.

Able to motivate oneself. id be bill gates by now if i were. honestly, and quite sadly, i could have been a great many things. but i still believe this.

Understanding. Fun to be around. anyone who is a kvetcher is a drag.

Secretive. damn, this activity got me all figured out.

Loves leisure and traveling. this is all i wanna do. if i get paid to do it, the better.

Hardly shows emotions. just the ones i dont want people to see. but somehow, my facial expressions give me away all too often. or maybe i just think that because i think i have very good judgment of character.

Tends to bottle up feelings. not anymore.

Very choosy, especially in relationships. i just need to be certain of certain things first.

Systematic. this is so anticlimactic.

i conclude that this chain blog is the new and improved slum book. boy am i glad it's over.

The Twelve Months

JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

i am keisler

i turn 25 this september 28. itd be logical to retire this blog, as the subtitle thereafter would become misleading.

ive always wondered what's the point of this whole recollection? here i am, a stranger in a blogworld full of real people who are full of opinions. i cant deny i liked writing for a while, even indulging myself to correspondences, good reads, and making sense of daily nuances and meaningful events. and yet, here i am, a stranger nonetheless.

ive always maintaned a simple blog. i always tried level everything down to basics: my emotions, my thoughts, hoping to connect, to understand, and to be understood. but by whom? by bryan? by pat? by some random blogger who thought im smart, cool, or otherwise?

no, no, no. it's all about me. i never understood this grey matter who's commanding my fingers to type, to tell me not to sleep just so i can express myself yet again.

i think i failed.

i blab.

bored

Farewell, Andre.

I dont think i have admired a sportsman much more than Andre Agassi. His maturity, humility, and passion for the sport are qualities i would like to endeavor.

Agassi, my man, youre the best!, and you will be sorely missed.

just a phase

something made me smile today. a message that is. a message full of observations. observations that deserve a mention and a response.

i did re-read my blogs. i would have to admit that they are becoming a drag. i have to smile because you are not even here to see what's happening, and yet you know that what i write is something you wouldnt actually see of me as me.

my friend, let me tell you. i write because writing is my outlet. an outlet of everything that my mind thinks and my heart feels as events happen: what i should have done, what i should have said. this blog is my shock absorber. why i chose for everyone to read it, i dont know. but the things i write are real to me. you wouldnt hear the blabs i ink on here in person, but they are nonetheless important to me. like a beautiful sunset, or a gray sky morning. yeah, we had our share of those.

i am just rough around the edges right now. but i swear, it is just a phase.

about school, yes. an F is in order. it is a shame. but you know i only let bad things happen once. i decide to be a pencil pusher full time, up till i graduate. no more effing working. i hate work. i want to live the past, even if i feel shouldnt dwell on it too often than what i did. i want to be spoiled again.

about the gurls, yes. i have tons of them.
there are gurls at work who keep me company. the oldies who i enjoy every minute of my time because they listen. and the stories that they tell are always heartwarming. the chicks, yes. they come and go. but you know im picky. im stupid enough to let go of one who im starting to fall for. one who have everything im looking for. but that's that.

friends. i dont forget. if i do, it's because i choose to. did i forget you? there are a lot of people who want to be a friend and so suck up. but you still know me so well. i tell you what you need to know. and i want to think im special.

you have your business empire to build, im gonna be the brain of it. i will be your accountant.

i miss the bonding sessions, and the jamming.

in retrospect, i was down in the dumps. for almost 5 years worth, i was not thinking straight. your observations. they are true. you are right. but i will be back to my spirited and focused self sooner than you thought.

i choose the practical. they say money changes everything. and it's true. let's see what i can do.

you know what? you ar right. again. i should stop blogging. few will care. barely some will understand. and the real ones to treasure, are people who leave messages like you.

say hi to our friends back there. i hope im still popular.

i wont name you here. no one knows you.

i want you to make your own star shine. once you do, ill keep the embers burning. let's make that big effing bang we so dreamt for so long.

at a glimpse.

uhm, okay. my blog had been a complete abandon for weeks now, save for reposts from old journals. i feel guilty somewhat. a lot of things happened all of a sudden. i moved out of my old apartment. i took a 3 week intercession summer class, which ends this friday. im in the process of buying a new car, finally. but enough of the inanities.

i cant write. ive been meaning to post a lot of things: Mel Gibson, Lebanon, my awesome kickass Alienware laptop, the recent Switchfoot concert ive been to, Shyamalan's flop but entertaining nonetheless Lady in the Water movie. but NO! my mind is in a state of petrification lately. brain freeze. the most i can muster is doodle yingyang signs on my econ notebook. =(

things are starting to throttle upwards. yet im sad. if only i can pinpoint my recent preoccupation. im starting to get scared, and worried. such is the case with quarter-life peons like myself, i guess.

living the now, it seems, is tough. your future is as blurry as the fog-ridden interstate this morning on my way home. which is weird. being it's summer and all. my friend's car battery died down. of all people to call, itd be the one who lives 50 miles away. so i went. i jump started his car. didnt work. and what do you know, i locked my keys inside my riggidy car. fuckyty fuck fuck. took us almost 3 hours to get our shit straight and go home. i want to drown my miserable day with vodka and redbull, but at 4am, even the bars are closed.


this is how incoherent i am right now. jumping from one stupid thought to the next. i cant even conjure any impressive word to impress my impressionable readers. ha! as if i still have some left.

well, peas out to you all, and i hope you come back to this worthless blogshit. i need some company.

time slipped by unnoticed

1 year, 10 days ago.



when your family goes to the beach, and you choose to stay home because you have a headache.

when you decide to call your friends, but everyone is either too busy to talk or too far away to hang out with.

when you want to play world of warcraft. but every five minutes, you get booted off the server because your supposedly broadband ISP is effed up.

when you decide to go car window shopping because you realize you are a hazard to everyone when you drive that piece of junk that passes for what people call 'car'.

when you order a supreme pizza with pineapples, and end up having pizza with pineapple only, because that dumbass order taker is, well, too dumb.

you stay at home and you feel miserable.

you want to booze down but you cant. you have a headache, remember?

you try to sleep, thinking tomorrow will be ok. feeling everyone will miss you the way you miss them on this most boring, headaching, miserable day.


====

reminiscing now, i think most summer days are like this. the difference between the then and now is that i was a year younger, and i was nursing a huge heartache.

the scar it left is numb, but only needs the source to peel the skin away. like an onion.

Find your own pose!

life had been dandy. though i have some stories to share, im not angsty enough to write. ive been enjoying sleeping for 12 hours after i quit my other 8-hour job. so here you go. as soon as i woke up, i tried to ask jeeves about just how much can a person sleep without losing productivity. i got the aesthetic aspect instead.

GoFace[sic]

Venus Williams lost in the third round at Wimbledon. So did Martina Hingis. So did Andre Agassi, on his last Wimbledon appearance. Marat Safin has long been gone.

Argentina lost to Germany in penalty kicks. So did England. Brazil was a disappointment too.

i got mugged.

synchronicity. all of it.

retribution. it's coming.

heart

ok.. so yeah im bum lazy and cant write. but so everyone knows, this is the gurl im going to marry.

peas.

mr james: a stranger who is me

i try not to hate but i always do. i hope to love but i find it hard. i have character flaws and im working on them. i am too blunt. ive had my heart broke and its never really healed. time doesnt heal heart break, nothing does. all time does is make you stop thinking about it. the second you hear a song or see aplace that you've been that reminds you of everything's that had happened, a thought that hasnt been thought in years, you find yourself in tears. not because you are still in love but because you remember what it was like to be in love. i didnt wish for it to happen, no one does. it makes you grow. it makes you change. you guard your heart. you trust few and even then, do you really trust them? im quiet but not as quiet as you think. i talk up a storm if im comfortable. i speak hardly a word if im not. i talk about the past a lot because i find it hard to let go. its what made me into who i am. its my foundation. im scared of growing old. i cry when i feel shitty and i smile when im happy. im good at hiding how i feel. im in love and i dont know it yet. i enjoy good kisses and long talks. my life is becoming very medicore and i cant stand it. i think that people are generally good at heart. environment changes our natural state of character. people dont smile enough. people dont cry enough. they dont write and they should.

=====

thsoe 3 douches below were my core friends. i planned to write a biblio on each but ive been busy.

mug update

vigilantly, ive been passing through the streets of main, cary and laurel the past few days. something tells me that the douches who robbed me lives close. as i was going home tonight, lo and behold, i found a similar car parked at almost the same location it was in. the last 2 letters and 2 digits of the license were the same.

i had to call the campus police asap. i ran towards mojo's, and borrowed abbey's cellphone. she's one of my favorite waitresses. she's awesome. i digress.

anyways, i called the police. they came, they identified the car. the owner is a gurl who lives in the dorm where we were at. unfortunately, she's not home.

as im writing this, police guys are patroling the area, trying to spot who's going to ride the car.

i need one chance. to identify who assaulted me, and hopefully punch the beejezus out of their faces. i hope they rot in jail.

one thing about us police, they take each case seriously. they treat it as a matter of consequence. i respect them for it.

i dont have a cellphone yet damnit. i wish they make contact anytime soon.

i lose

there's always a first for everything.

right now, i got a bruised face, a swollen kisser, and a broken spirit.

as i was walking back to my car, upset about not being able to go on a planned 10day cross country trip, 2 fucking black douchebags mugged me, punched and knocked me out, and aimed an allegedly deadly weapon behind me.

they took with them a sweet ass camera phone, and a wallet with my life in it: asocial security card, green card, a driver's license and all my debit and credit cards. they even drove away with a car more expensive than mine!

911 called, incident reported, accounts canceled. amidst the safety of blue light-blinking police cars, concerned policemen, and sympathetic friends, i did not feel consoled.

i always believed in social trust. right now, i think i just sort of lost my faith in humanity.

vanity fare.

when i left the philippines, my size was m for shirts, and 29/30 waist/inseam for jeans. imagine having to change your whole wardrobe because you gained 20 more lbs, and love handles become a nuisance. call me porky, piggy, fatty, whatever. but at 32/30, something's got to give.

i refuse to buy any more jeans. ive spent bullions trying to hide the stretch marks. but i refuse to breath hard, suck my tummy, and constrict my breathing to fit in my 3rd basic need any more. this summer, it's all about working out, going back to playing my sport, and be healthy.

========

i moved in at my new apt last sunday with 2 roommates. both of them are soccer players, all buffed up, and healthy as shit. too bad solveig is going home to Norway. she is the looker. im supposed to be sleeping right now, but what with the semester over, i hung out with friends, built a campfire, and wasted the night with captain morgan's and jose cuervo as company. comcast people are supposed to put up my cable internet connection tomorrow, but if i dont wake up early, oh well.

=======

caring less?

i happen to drop by the peyups website during my free time at work ( which is the whole 8 hours, since i dont have my codes yet to log in on my pc). this was the beginning of this week.

i found this artik .

i dont know about you guys, but i had to walk everyday from home to the jeepney station going to school, had to endure my elementary days without any baon, and sometimes eat my lunch at recess because i was hungry. i drink from the school 'poso'. i cant even buy a friggin soda if i wanted to. 5 bucks was a luxury. my parents happen to afford sending us to a private, catholic school, which is nothing in the philippines. My parents were wise enough to invest in traditional eduational plans before we even graduated in elementary. not my fault. but imagine only having 500 bucks to last you every two weeks in college. that's 50 pesos a day, nothing when you study in the city. and yet, here's mr. apocalyse who gladly took the liberty to put unwanted and untrue words in my mouth, because i think he assume to know how my pinas life had been. just because he saw my blog link. just because he thinks living in the US is oh-so-great.

it irritates me when people become too presumptuous. but it's not my duty to educate. it's not even my duty to defend how i choose to live my life.

where's the respect?

nine days

i love 9 days. always catchy, always sing-able, always 'hey i can play this on my guitar' songs.

gmorning.

customer service.

perhaps it was my fault. i was cranky the whole day, and my temper flared and was all over the place. hangover kicked in as soon as i woke up. i was so wasted i forgot to drink water before i crashed.

or perhaps, the server is just an effin tool. here's what happened.

my friend and i went out to eat dinner and chanced upon a thai place called Mom's Siam. So far so good. i love thai, and the outside of the building is very inviting, thanks to the early Christmas lights, fake bamboos, and tons of greens.. Actually, that's all the good things i can say about the place.

As soon as we got in, a server passed by us, not saying a word, no greeting whatsoever. Several servers passed by since, and none offered a seat. I was already getting agitated. 'I guess we'll have to help ourselves for a table', I said. my friend nodded.

We grabbed one by the patio. and waited.. and waited.. and waited.. forever came and went, but no service was afforded, despite several yahoos passing by us, none of who offered a menu. Finally, to my friend's chagrin, I said aloud to one of the servers who walked by ' are you short of servers tonight, or are we just fillers?'.. silence.. then a snotty remark was blurted. 'what do you want?' said the douche, with an eyebrow raised. 'Excuse me?' said I. ' This is not fastfood you know, you wait' said the oriental in his best attempt of English (bad keisler!)... Hell broke loose.

'Let's go dood, in a minute im gonna smack this tool'.. I was half shouting, with no plans to attract attention, but still managed to. He said 'go away, we dont need your money'. i said 'are you sure? you still have immigrant brothers to feed, you know?' What with the restaurant's name and all, the humor was lost.


This is what i think. If you cannot handle irate customers, or just plainly suck at serving, go find yourself another job! YOU'RE A SERVER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! suck it up. you dont go about making wiseass remarks to people(paying customers at that), no matter what they say. youre being paid to take orders, smile, refill our effin drinks, kiss our asses. do not forget that your manager only shells out a wage way below the minimum, and you mostly depend on our tips. Now, i prolly would give a tad bit of consideration if you work at Subway, where youre paid fuck, and affording excellent customer service is so not worth it. But if you claim to be a restaurant, hell, act like it's a restaurant. be courteous. be civil. be a freaking server!

i know i was at fault.. somehow. but still, nothing warrants a fucking server to talk back at me. he forgot his place, so i was there to remind him what dirt he is... My friend was so anxious not to make a scene, and sped out. I was going to talk to the manager, but it's just not worth it. i was hungry. no one's gonna get fired tonight. hehe. mad as i was, i know how hard it is to find a job, especially when you can only speak abysmal English. im still pissed.

ill revise this blog tomorrow. i got tons to lecture about customer service.

allergies

my allergies are seasonal. they ruin what makes for a beautiful spring. theyre lecherious, pestilential; they make me want to curse mother nature every so often. they make a mucous of blood, booger, the slimy thingees and hair in my nose, making it hard for me to breathe, making me cover my nostrils the rest of the time im out of the house.

i dont have allergies before, but i think i picked up on it when i went to this amusement park called Busch Gardens 2 years ago. I was glad to be off from work, and was telling my friends that it was the best spring day ive had so far, and told them i was so happy i could smell the flowers, and literally did it!.. my eyes started to prick, i started to gasp for air, and sneezed and sneezed and sneezed... i sneezed the whole day pretty much. effin pollens.

==========

after 3 and 1/2 years of working in the lab, i finally decided to call it quits. i dont feel like writing, so im going to cut the details short. all i know is that it's the most uber, fun, slacker kind of job ive ever had. it had always been the source of my booze, food, vacation money.. i cant believe ill be jobless this coming june for the first time since i got a job 4 years ago! the feeling is bittersweet, and i have friends im leaving behind, who im going to miss. =(

==========

ill prolly end up not graduating in the US after all. i kind of want to go back to the Philippines and spend the rest of the educational plan my parents bought for us when we were young. of course, since i went awol from UP, i dont think theyd let me back in. but ill definitely go back. it's much easier not to worry about having to study/work full time, juggle playing pc games, hanging out with friends, and making out with people some place discreet all atthe same time. i miss my friends... im 24 yo and im still acting like i just left high school. sigh.

==========

worthy, life-changing decisions: i was never good at making them.

the I. again.

ive been lying too much lately. i lied about getting drunk last night to my coworker, when all i had were a couple of yaeger bombs. i lied to the beggar outside great taste chinese take-out on grace street when he asked me for some change. i lied to my dad when he asked me to clean the car, and i said i will. i lied when i said im on a diet, but munched on some pancit palabok from a birthday party leftover.

lying. it's easy.

i lied when i say im happy. dont believe me. i lied when i claim it's ok i havent graduated yet. it sucks. i lied when i say i dont think too much of the future, about my future kids, my wife-to-be, my being single. i lied when i say i dont get affected by people trying to talk rude and trashy at me because they think it's ok, that im too nice, and i look at them, feign a smile, and walk on by. i lied when i say i know enough to get on by with how to run my life. im a wreck. i dont even know how to cook, let alone save enough money for some worthwhile endeavor.

it may be getting worse.

i dont want to think of others anymore. i dont want to have a lot of friends. i dont want to drink, and spend a lot, and do favors for people a lot. i want to be alone, but i dont want to feel lonely. i dont want to be nice anymore, because i dont want to be taken advantaged of. i dont want to love, only to get broken hearted, then numb. i dont want to think of others. how they feel, what i must do to help? when i feel like being angry about someone's fault, i dont want to keep it to myself. i dont want to feel neglected, to be ignored, and to be lied on, and to be looked down on.

i want to sing my heart out!, to learn how to play guitar very good. i want to fly an airplane, see more sunsets, get rid of my full time job! i want to write beautifully, to learn every word, win a scrabble game. i want to be verbally articulate, to be a good mathematician, or businessman perhaps. i want to splurge on a quality PC, save for a BMW 323i, travel the world, take a road trip. i want to wake up early every day, to eat rice and eggs and sausage for breakfast. i want to finish college. now! i want to get into Harvard. I want to be focused, and be attentive. I want to acquire discipline. I want to be the best table tennis player! i want to be coached, to be taught, to be given some attention because i need it to get better. i want to know that it's ok to make mistakes, that it's ok to fail, that everyone would still love me if im a nobody. i want people to understand that im genuinely kind, and that i love my family and friends so much, despite the shortcomings. i want everyone i love to know that im happy when theyre happy, that it breaks my heart everytime i see them sad, or hurt, or lonely, or cry. but then, i also want them to know that i also get tired of thinking about them, that i need my own space. because right now, i want to freaking live!!

i want to freaking live, and leave everyone behind. for once. to think of myself, to tend to my desires, and wants, and hopes, and wishes.

i want to think of me. please?

random

every restroom i go, i always notice these signs that say 'employees must wash their hands'. what crap is that? i dont feel the need to explain this. i think EVERYONE should wash their hands after they poo, pee, or jerk off, much more when theyre in a public restroom. why single out the employees?

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one of the signs that you got a potential friend or best friend: they dont forget your birthday; at least they dont need to be reminded. a simple greeting should suffice.

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spring break is over. im pissed.

reminiscing: time. heals. hearts.

i write mostly when i am sad. i dont know why. it's a natural tendency. i either type on my blog, or grab a pen and paper and ink the words away. i mean, what's the point of writing when you are happy? id rather laugh, or talk to someone.

at random times like today, i feel depressed for no inexplicable reason. i can not blame it on low sugar. i just had a venti strawberries and creme earlier.it's like, one moment i am talking, or reading, or picking my nose, then i start to stare on blank space. from out of nowhere, thoughts start to intrude my wakefulness.

today, i thought about love and heartbreaks, which is, i guess, what made me sad. how i used to say 'i miss you everyday'. and everyday, i think of all the people i love. and the special people i really love. and how heartbreaks changes everything. and though heartbreak can change people, i still continue to think of them, and miss them, and love them.

have you ever had the feeling where, like a revelation, you realize you dont love someone anymore? to not love someone anymore because the feeling simply ceases to exist... i dont understand it.

i dont understand it.

American idol

I've always been a fan, save for seasons 2 and 4. Perhaps I was feeling partial about watching an ugly duckling turn into something, I don't know, better I guess, but unappealing nonetheless. Maybe it was the rocker-style contestants were sporting. If you think of it, they really do not belong to the pop genre. I'd rather watch them from a mosh pit in concert. I don't listen to much country songs either. This season, I might lend an ear to it, just because Kelly Pickler made it to the top 24. She is really adorable!

my picks:

gurls: MANDISA, KELLY PICKLER, and KATHARINE MCPHEE.

guys: ELLIOTT YAMIN go richmond!

WALMART

whenever im faced with a problem, i always try to reason out using a simplistic approach: is the situation good or bad, or right or wrong?

to rid of unwanted grass on your lawn is to uproot it, not trim it to obscure it from view. this is how i solve most of the problems that bothers me from time to time.

i realize that it dont hold jack in some cases. i realize that when im asked wether Walmart is bad for America, the answer or choice im demanded is as complex as a gurl who's trying to figure out wether a stiletto or flats is best to wear on a night out.

Is Walmart bad for America? Im going.. argh. argh. the presentation video we had in my English class was very critical, yet very balanced so it didnt really force me to choose. the video made me think.

i cant decide yet.

lamers

despite the incessant nagging of friends, i decided to go straight home tonight. i cant possibly start another round of vodka+redbull, when im still nursing a hangover from yesterday's. the aftertaste of alcohol when i breathe is icky. no amount of water, stir-fried noodles, and sushi can kill this pest. i really have to sleep it off.

and then, i start to blog. dork.

kool cigarette packs starts to pile on my computer table. every time my friends and i hit mojo's, there's this lady who passes free cigarettes in exchange of an email address. honestly, i dont care if the company she works for spams mine with free coupons, because i always give her a pseudo one. she then scans my driver's license, and proceeds to ask me to sign her fancy gadget. neat.

it's funny. i dont even smoke. well, barely. i dont even inhale anything. i always tell my friends that smoking is only a social element, only for show. you dont have to get addicted to it. we got weed to cover that. light that joint.

im prolly going to play world of warcraft before i sleep. or chat with this dork who keeps bugging me.

gnight.

VCU RAMS WINS!

As a VCU student, I have to admit. I barely participate in school activities, except when I play for the VCU table tennis team. It was a pleasant surprise to watch the recent basketball game at the Siegel Center with some friends last Saturday night. I was jumping, cheering, boo-ing, and waving my VCU tag towel like the rest. You can feel the sense of community in the air. ODU came pretty close to crossing the score, but VCU prevailed even when there were a few bad calls made by the referees. Poor form, guys. Nick George and Pellot-Rosa's performance is pretty impressive. With 19 points apiece i think, it is a career-high for both. GO RAMS!

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This blog is becoming more like a memory dump. One of these days, Ill post more meaningful and purposeful blogs, save for a few rants.

I hope you guys had a good weekend!

HEROES

WELCOME BACK, LOVE!

UHUH, WHERE WERE YOU AT THE AUSTRALIAN OPEN?

fun at work. seriously.

my job is dumb-friendly. i work in the lab.

i happen to work with 2 adorable people. Melodee Burch is a working mom, who i frequently urge to finish college. June Lee is the shift supervisor, and is one of my good friends. Inside the workplace, I have taken the role of the clown. To save the day from being dull, i resort to making people laugh, or laugh at them. June Lee happily oblige to my tricks by slapping, punching, pinching, or tickling the heck out of me. Fun times.

After almost 4 years of living in the US, i still never quite feel at home, except when i go to work. Unlike everything that changes periodically, be it the apartments i live at, friends i hang out with, places i visit, the workplace is about the only thing constant. It's the only thing i bother waking up for, not only because what i do yields to my bread and butter, but because it's my closure. I find it comforting to have known people i work with for so long, they have become my second family.

A few days ago, one of my friends blurted out on how depressing the lab looks. I thought it uncharasteristic, because the lab is breeming of personality, of people who works there. We have our mundane moments, and have had a share of arguments, yes. But I guess, like love, all the flaws seem to disappear once you get close enough.

Im hitting the 300 level courses, and working full time and studying full time wouldnt cut it anymore. I have to quit work sometime soon, to focus more on school. It would sure break my heart to go.

point of view: the first person.

i am a quirky guy. i flush the toilet before i pee. i sleep in parks at night when i want to. i space out from everything for reasons even i dont know sometimes. i guess im semi-autistic. recently, i find that i talk to myself audibly. aint that weird? sometimes i delve into the profound. ok i lied. most of the time, i question the ways of the world. i am fascinated by people. i tend to be critical of certain philosophies, specially my own. what can i say? im a die hard idealist. i am organized. i try to make a contrast between my crazy head, and the semblance world i created. i feel lucky im close to not owing anyone anything. i only try to be practical because the world says so…

i like quirky characters because i have the same disposition. i try to be happy all the time because honestly, there's just too much hurt and anger going on in this plane we live at, for me to contribute more wasted energies. so i try to hang with genuinely happy, laid-back, carefree, interesting souls. i can blend.

am organized, but i find it more fun to do random stuff.

i try to verbalize everything. the more i say the things i think about, the more it reinforces my convictions, or lack thereof, of the subject.

i hate fighting. is that bad? i forget petty arguments fast. i always say, no one endears to me more than someone who likes me. all we need is an icebreaker.

i am not interesting. i dont talk about people i dont care about. but im a talker. i have a terrible short attention span. It only takes a few seconds after I get introduced to an acquaintance before I go ‘what’s your name again?, Huh?, do I know you?’ I don’t know. Perhaps some people are born to be uninteresting.

it takes a lot to impress me. it should come to no surprise that i detest making efforts to impress anyone. try to win me over, because im a perennial loyalist. you would like that.

i dont snore. that's always a good thing.

i irk at empty praises. and empty conversations. sometimes, i get annoyed when people at work use 'how are you?' as a greeting, then walk on by like usual.. just dont talk to me.

i eat out everyday. every meal. except when i go home and crave for home-made food. my mom is a good cook. i live to eat. i live to eat good food. ask me where's a good place to dine. id give suggestions.

my degree is 9 years in the making, and still counting. thanks to VCU. i realized my UP credentials are pretty damn void now. sure, most of the stuff we learned were not limited to the 4 walls of the classroom ( and that phrase used to sound so poetic to me), which, i guess, equates to 'all things essential to your survival in 'real life' arent learned from the spitting philosophies and hyperbolic formulas of your instructors... that's before i started working a full time job, and study full time. my life is harsh as it is right now. it doesnt feel poetic at all. effin US.

I hate pictures. they really do not appear exactly as what 's happening when the shot is taken. they reek of misinterpretations. a miserable but good faker can flash a smile, and you can expect what everyone will think.

it's like the difference between megamillionaires donating charities, and a simple someone who makes random acts of kindness to strangers. who makes a lasting impression to the recipient? i would like to think that when someone have the utmost sincerity to help, his acts will always say "we're in this together." i would like to think that helping in a personal level, on the same grounds as that someone needing assistance, evokes the most sincere of gratitude, and elicits the sincerest trust anyone can ever get.

This is me.

poems

have you all read about the plagiarism issues at peyups ? that sucks ass. it is much easier for me to link a verbatim copy of an article, send it to my friends to let them know 'this is what im friggin saying! this is what i mean!' so, i can understand the struggles of people when they try to write their thoughts. but then, people have to realize than if they want to become credible, creative writers/bloggers, they have to immerse into the process of writing itself. if it itches you to use a thesaurus for word alternatives, or the dictionary for word meanings, feel free. that's the way to learn.

plagiarizing is the lamest form of flattery you can give to the orginal poster. be original. learn to write.

anyways, poems. ill post two. theyre not that swell, but theyre two that i like.

FOREIGNER

incoherence.
fragmented words.
bizarre tangents.
lack of fluency.
it's frustrating
how broken pieces
of knowledge
are mended only
by a twang sound
from my kisser.

--------

I LOVE YOU

i find myself
thinking of you
again.
amid the silence
of the library
my mind resonates
your voice.
it pictures
your face
while you smile
oh, the beauty of that smile!
it makes me melt away...

i find myself
imagining
contemplating
when we looked
at each other's eyes
that one fine day.
you were trying to tell me
the one thing your mouth can't say
the one thing
we'd rather not say
because it makes us vulnerable
it makes us scared
what the other would feel
or think, or say

so in this
sort of poem
i am writing
i want to say
i love you.
you know it
but im sorry
it's taken a while
for me to say it.

have a good day, folks.

saddest landscape

Im posting a visual memory I had when I was feeling down in the dumps. It's Chrismas, and some people I used to celebrate it with are truly missed. I love you all dearly.

11-24-04

here are thoughts that are better left unsaid. feelings that dont need words to understand. moments of missed 'right time to's'. ruminations of happy yet ambivalent feelings overtly shown and shared.

multiple life-changing decisions to make. failing prudence. uncertainties. fizzled brain cells and neurons. smoggy lungs. fun 'i cant stop laughing' high. mixed emotions. intoxication. pained smiles. intentional digressions. lost or unfound ambitions. need for clarity and validation.

a friend asks if im crazy. i really want to know what that meant.

an all-time-favorite writer ponders: "sometimes i wonder if, instead of falling madly in love, we should aspire to fall sanely in love.. but then, what would be the point?"

Introduction

hello, visitor.

if you happen to land on this blogger, you could either be one of the three visitor types. a)a myspace, friendster, or facebook friend. b)a random blogger. c) a stalker. In any case, i think an introduction is in order.

My name is Keisler. I currently reside in Richmond, Virginia.
Im very fascinated with people, their thoughts, their attitudes, their idiosyncrasies. Im attempting to make this blog active again, with hopes of sharing my random thoughts, philosophies, and daily inanities with the blogger community. May you find the entertainment you need, and enlightenment and/or answers to those questions you seek, here, in my blogpage.

This is the only post where im going to try to be formal. For the sake of getting some attention, if you want to bash, if it ticks you so much to ask a question, if you think im cute, which wouldnt be my first time to hear, leave a comment.

I can tell you that my writing is unorthodox. It is very unorthodox that sometimes, i start to think I border the mentally-challenged IQ range. Sometimes, I am very inarticulate, that my blogs are filled with run-on sentences and misplaced punctuations. I still lack focus. There are still a myriad of words and phrases and ideas circling my brain, waiting to be tamed, waiting to be written or said properly.
In short, im still learning how to write.

There is so much to learn, and i want everyone, my friends, strangers, whoever, to be part of it.

revision

this is an attempt to clear and edit my rather topsy turvy 1st blogpage. plus, the title i choose now is more appropriate.

im bloggin away.
stay tuned.